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[All material here is thanks to the legendary efforts of Jason M.]
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This Section Is Dedicated To The Quotes Taken From My D&D Sessions.
It began one day when I read the now defunct(?) GM Magazine. In the Letters to the Editor section, someone had written what was the Famous Last Words of the characters in their campaign before they bit the dust. It was quite amusing, but the validity of the quotes were doubtful. So I thought; would not it be nice to record some of the going-ons in a session so that one day when we are senile and 80, we could look back and say "I remember the time when we played D&D and.....".
So I bring you:
QUOTATIONS from MY CAMPAIGN
Now, I do not care if you don't believe what is written here to be true or believable, I just got this strong urge to put our log book on the Net!!. Not everything is written down and certain things you may find disjointed.
Alright, to understand what's going on, you will have to know that our D&D group started playing around 1988. Then we started out with OD&D or Old D&D for the "layperson" module. Our campaign, through out our playing history has always been a mish-mash of worlds. Our world is a combination of Dragonlance, Mystara, Forgotten Realms and Greyhawk and even a bit of Joe Dever's Lone Wolf world!!. The funny thing is, nobody in our group knows the name of this world. We just call it D&D Land
. Now that you understand the history, you will need to understand the players and characters.
PLAYER and CHARACTERS
OD&D (c. 1988 to 1992)
Matthew C.....Dungeon Master
Steven W.........Male Fighter named Typan
Matthew W.....Male Cleric named Anakine
Stuart C..........Male Thief named Scorpio
Richard C.......Male Dwarf named Rowl
Adrian V........Male Elf named Thane
Andrew M......Male Elf named Peladin
Jason M.........Male Cleric named Bellophron
Ian T.............Male Magic User named Merith
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AD&D (1993 to 1994)
Matthew C., Jason M., Steven W....Dungeon Master (last two were part time DMs)
Steven W..........Male Human dual class Thief/Mage/Fighter named Jade Barque
Matthew W.....Male Human Paladin named Durendal Bohemont
Stuart C...........Male Elven Fighter named Taragin Appliane
Richard C.......Male Dwarven Fighter/Priest of War named Rowl Thoric Hurgar
Adrian V........Male Drow Elven Ranger named Thizzt Baenre
Andrew M......Male Elven Beserker Fighter named Galain Alhana
Jason M.........Male Human dual class Priest of War/Ranger named Bellophron Dasadas
Ian T.............Male Elven Fighter/Mage Bladesinger named (Eggnog)
NPCS and HENCHPEOPLE:
Steven W......Female Human Mage named Kelendra Serenius
Matthew W.....Female Half-Elven Cleric/Mage named Bella Silvanous
Richard C.....Male Gnome Fighter/Thief named Wonillon
Stuart C......Female "Human" Amazon Fighter named Tyris
Jason M.......Female Human Wu-Jen Conjuress named Talia Dasadas
Jason M.......Male Human Priest of War named Kelno Telyas Matthias
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New AD&D (1994 to 1995)
Steven W......Dungeon Master
Matthew W.....Male Half-Elven Fighter/ Priest of Strength named (Un-Named)
Stuart C......Male Human Ranger named (Un-Named)
Richard C.....Female Sirine Ranger/Thief named Kiiri
Adrian V......Male Solamnic Knight of the Crown named Alain Starlance
Andrew M......Male Halfling Fighter named Glomeruli Nephron
Jason M.......Female Elven War Wizard Fighter/Mage named Velutheresa
Matthew C.....Male Fremlin Mage named Frut
Glen B........Male Human Thief named (Un-Named)
Toby M........Male Human Priest of Death (Un-Named)
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Ruins of Adventure AD&D (1995 to ??)
Jason M.......Dungeon Master
Steven W......Male Human Fighter named Radius
Matthew W.....Male Human Cleric of Tymora named Melvin
Toby M........Female Elven Fighter/Mage named Miss Tress
Glen B........Male Elven Thief named Yelgira
Aaron.........Male Dwarven Fighter named Dug
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So there you have it, the characters and players of our D&D group down the Ages. Everything that shall be written below shall be in verbatim of the original book. Now that you know who plays what and all that, it is time to enter the pages of the log book we know affectionately (and incorrectly) as
The Famous Last Words Book.
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WARNING! This book contain materials that may OFFEND!!"
Please DO NOT proceed any further if you are easily offended or think "politically correct". I will not accept any responsibilities for any discretion if the materials offended you. YOU have been fairly WARNED.
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THACO DRAGON UPDATE 2012: The original text has been censored to make this post accessible for younger readers. This page text should now be considered to have a PG rating - although there are still numerous M Rated Adult Themes. Apart from hiding the offensive words, all text, including typos are the same as the source material - just as the introductory text above. Edited words will appear thusly [****].
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OLD DUNGEONS & DRAGONS (c.1988 - 1992)
1st of July 1990
Typan: "Scorps....."
Typan: "Ee ooh, ah, GEE!!"
DM: "The shadow population has gone down by one."
Anakine: "Oh, Mister Blah Blah..."
Merith: "Did I??"
Scorpio: "TWENTY!!"
DM: "Huge effort!."
Anakine: "I'm not entering...."
Scorpio: "I'm an expert at killing carrion crawlers."
Merith: "Can barely see here...."
Rowl: "Anybody want chips?..."
Bellophron: "Zombies can suicide...Rr,Wr,Bla..."
Scorpio: "And so are all the zombies..."
DM: "You really have to scratch the bottom of the anal to get that."
DM: "It's a lockjaw!"
Thane: "I wanna take its head off!!"
DM: "Adrian tried to stab it...[****]!!"
Merith: "Jesus Christ!, we can't do anything.."
Thane: "That means it's cut off!"
Merith: "Looks like Charlie Brown with hair."
Thane: "If I die, I'd leave all my good things to Telak."
Typan: "I'll give it some Kyolic Garlic so it goes 'Erggh-gerre oooh arggh'"
DM: "You're a legend."
Merith: "Have you tried mast[********]?!"
Bellophron (Bellch): "Pawns Fawns!"
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5th of August 1990
Typan: "I wish we'd had a thief..."
Thane: "I'd pick it..."
Peladin: "I bet ya there is too..."
Bellch: "BOOM! Everything's gone!"
DM: "And a million stepping stone fragments..."
Bellch: "God's man..."
Merith: "Will you piss off..."
Bellch: "Blah, blah - ahh ahhh"
DM: "It only opens [co**s] for Christ's sake..."
Peladin: "Yes, you do always."
Peladin: "POISON IS POISON!!"
DM: "There is nothing there..."
Typan: "One, two, three..BOOM!"
Thane: "It sucks!"
DM: "After two years of playing, Adrian decides it sucks."
Peladin: "Don't be stupid."
Peladin: "Use your wisdom MY THRONE."
DM: "Helmet for sale."
Thane: "Arrghh! Jason farted..."
Anakine: "Get back down!" (on Jason's personal parts)
DM: "SHUT UP, JASON!!"
Typan: "Vroom! Vroom! First gear."
DM: "You dumb people don't know you roll over..."
Bellch: "Electric 'em"
Thane: "Electric 'em"
Typan: "Fry 'em"
Peladin: "I talk in Elvish."
Bellch: "Huge Man; 3d10!"
Peladin: "In the Box. In the Box..."
Peladin: "He's got a birth mark on his brain..."
Bellch: "We never die..."
Bellch: "Pawns Fawns."
Bellch: "I laugh in your face..."
Peladin "BILLY IDOL!"
All (singing): "'...Rock the Cradle of Love....'"
Thane: "Don't worry about it."
Anakine: "I'm just goin' down for a breather."
Bellch: "Kiss my Tooch!"
Thane: "I'll do it."
All: "Ooh, Der Thane..Der..Dok.."
All: "Push the Cush. Push the Cush..."
Bellch: "I'm not risking my life!"
DM: "Where's the face washer?"
All: "How about yes. How about not..."
Thane: "Alien muckus"
Peladin: "They just [crap] everywhere."
Thane: Fart no. 28 of the day.
Thane: "And they just blow it all apart including me!"
Scorpio: "Jump!...And he gets eaten by the shark!"
Peladin: "Where is my book?!!"
Bellch: "Sux"
Bellch: "Come on Mr.Stuart!"
Anakine: "Who is porking me??...I passed it with flying colours"
Bellch: "Amazing! Write down our character names!"
Typan: "Oh!"
Peladin: "That is stupid."
Thane: "Take a silver dagger."
DM: "What??"
Thane: "An arrow is a weapon."
Bellch: "A dice is a weapon."
Thane: "A pen is a weapon if I poke his eye out."
Peladin: "Breath, go down. Breath, go down..."
Typan: "What're we gonna do next?"
All (Indiana Jones Theme): "Dun, Du Dun, Dun Dur..."
Anakine: "That's me!"
Typan: "Don Du Dor..Flashing Blade.."
Thane: No. 29.
(Ben T): "Ooh, Jesus..."
DM: *Crackle* *Crunch*
Anakine: "Can I have a purple snake??"
Peladin: "They all taste the same..."
Thane: No. 30.
Peladin: "Open the air vents!!"
Typan: "Ties its neck up so it can't breathe"
Peladin: "I wanna fight! We haven't fighted the whole adventure!"
DM: "You've got [crap] for brains."
Typan: "I'm a hero...God King!!"
Anakine: "Kick it in!" (x5)
Bellch: "Nah, more like a fart"
Peladin: "It's like a chocolate mousse."
Anakine: "It's alive!!"
Peladin: "So am I!"
Merith: "Wipe the ten of us?. Get real! Here we go, kick some butt!"
Peladin: "What?"
(Alistair B): "Shut up!"
Typan: "CCCOOBBBRRRAAAA!!!!"
DM: "We're the guardians of the lord's household."
Thane: "They don't have any pockets."
All: "Back out and fight in the open!..." (then)
Bellch: "...AAMRAAMS!!!"
DM: "What are you doing?"
Thane: "Casting a Fireball!"
DM: "It's a waste."
Thane: "I'm decapitating it" (with Vorpal sword)
DM: "You killed it!"
All: "[CRAP]!!"
DM: "Put one Hill Giant; 500xp...No, make it 450xp."
Merith: "Magic Missile..."
Peladin: "1d6 damage."
DM: "You spastic boy, you stupid boy!"
Peladin: "1d8??"
Merith: "Should I??"
Peladin: "Going up levels and killing marshmallows..."
Thane: No. 31.
Scorpio: "This deathblow is stupid."
Peladin: "What?"
DM: "How much damage did you do?"
Peladin: "Twenty."
(15 seconds later)
Peladin: "Oh, ye..sorry nineteen."
(3 seconds later)
Peladin: "Oh, its fifteen points damage."
DM: "Stuart, what's wrong??"
Bellch: "Travia!!"
DM: "Nobody's entered."
Peladin: "Yeh, Ben..."
DM: "Jesus Christ! What this poor excuse for a pen?!"
Peladin: "Ben and Stuart back up!"
DM: "The giant statue brings down a fist and smashes Scorpio."
Scorpio: "No! I wasn't in the room! Not fair! I always get the damage!"
All: "Don't worry!"
Typan: "I want to suck your ankle."
Rowl: "Minus one."
Thane & Bellch: "*Mumble* *Mumble*...Look at this...*Mumble*"
Typan: "Organise yourself children."
Thane: No. 32.
All: "Oooh!!"
Typan: "Oh no, that's not fair!..."
DM: "Minus three on a roll, son of a bitch picking..."
Bellch: "Minus one is it? Oh no, get real."
DM: "What's your head?"
All: "Ssshhh!..."
DM: "What's your armour class, [dumbhead]?...McFly! McFly!!...your down by three!"
Scorpio: "I'm not McFly...Ahh...*Bang* *Bang* *Bang*"
Peladin: "What der think yor doin'?"
Thane: "Yeah, it's a mohagany table you know."
Thane: "The ring trap has been reset!...AND BOOM!!"
Typan: "MC Hammer...De..Der..Der..De..De..De.."
DM: "Ben you've been again..."
Anakine: "You look at your weapon DAGO!"
DM: "Ben you're by yourself."
Ben: (rolls the dice)
All: "YEAH!!"
Anakine: "You killed him! You're a mean person!"
Typan: "You'ven't done it for ages!"
Peladin (from under the table): "HAS ANYONE SEEN A WHITE RUBBER??"
DM: "I knew you couldn't do it, you're SPASTIC!"
Thane: "Never you mind!"
Thane: "Get your paws off my booklet!"
Bellch: "Hey! Doick!"
DM: "Synchronised shutups aren't working!..."
Anakine: "Chain reaction job..."
DM: Fart No. 1.
Peladin: "I thought it was hammers!"
DM: "SILENCE!!"
Anakine: Fart No. 1
Thane: No. 33.
Anakine: "Steve, shouldn't we ring mum?"
Peladin: "But you rode, idiot!"
All: "DER! FREDDY!!"
DM: No. 2.
DM: "Well he's dead."
Thane: No. 34. "I really outdid myself that time..."
DM: "eighteen, he's still a...."
Typan & Bellch (Indiana Jones Theme): "Da, Da, Da, Der, Der, Der, De..."
Thane: "Shut up!"
Telak (Alistair B): "Shut up, Steven!"
DM: "The leader has a platinum key."
Bellch: "HUGE!!!"
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16th of September 1990
Anakine: "It was the night before Christmas..."
Thane: "Well, why don't we use the platinum key?"
DM: "HUGE BRAIN WAVE!!!"
Scorpio: "Tragic."
Typan: "I'll open the door....like this."
Rowl: "Like there was this humungo Pepsi play."
All: (Taking their turns at reciting the ad)
Anakine: ([Bullcrap] to the max)
Thane: "We should have a book of failed jokes!"
DM: "What're ya gonna do?"
Telak (very unenthuasiatically): "Trash the place."
Thane: Anakine failed joke No. 3.
DM: "This guy's got things flying everywhere."
Thane: "Looks like he belted himself out!"
AUZZIE GRAND PRIX INTERVAL....
Bellch: (Throws the dice and cracks a drinking glass)
Bellch: "What a shot!"
Thane: "You broke it! You idiot!"
Merith: "You [dope]!"
Bellch: "DM, use it for your dice."
Anakine (Sings the Smurfs theme song) "...da...da..daa..."
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16th of September 1990
Typan: "Is thing magical??"
Rowl: "Go to sleep, Matt!"
Merith: "Ah, [Crap]!"
Thane: "Everybody run!"
Typan: "Everybody throw their weapons!"
Merith: "It's missed! Don't worry, it's missed!"
DM: "It hit you."
Typan: "Sorry."
Thane (under his breath): "They're both sulking. Look."
Thane: "It doesn't really need its eyes."
DM: "He slips over and...Ah! Ah! Ah!"
Typan: "What do I roll??"
Typan: "I'm cutting its eyes out!"
DM: "The eye comes out."
Rowl: "I tenderise the eye sockets!"
DM: "The eye balls do not smell."
Thane: "Its growing!!"
Merith: "Can we rest??"
Thane: "Its just because Matthew can't roll for [crap]!"
DM: "Ian, I'm tired of hearing your [crap]!"
Thane: "If that was a tape, you will...die!!"
Bellch: "I'm sulking in the corner."
Thane: "Somebody will die!!"
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20th of December 1990
Peladin: "Steve, what's wrong with you?"
Typan: "Sorry, I'm not as perfect as you!."
Peladin (after the white gem broke off the pedestal): "It's busted!"
DM: "That's what you get for using Clag!"
Telak: "Ah!, you drew on the dot!"
DM: "Well! It's Mr. Sarcasm himself!"
Anakine "Sarphocaguss????..."
DM: "This two...."
Anakine: ".....are fried!!"
Typan: "Sucker's in orbit!"
DM: "Shut your face!! You haven't even seen it you gay [pr***]!!"
DM: "Minus one. I think Ali just got decked!"
Bellch: "Brain damage!"
Bellch & Anakine (together): "THAC0!! THA-A-A-C0!!"
Peladin: "Kill! Kill! Glug!..."
DM: "M-A-A-A-A-A-ATT!!!! SWING!!"
DM: "Let's go, time to eat!"
DM: "Everybody out of this room!"
Peladin (refering to the battle of Culloden): "Who are the good guys??"
Thane: "They're retreating..."
DM: "The colourful blocks are the British..."
LUNCH BREAK (During which Andrew M. said his pie was cold)
Peladin: "What happens to us Matt? We're zero."
DM: "You can't cause I'll find zoo shroups..."
Bellch: "I know what it is! Is it a Mexican camel. There's the two humps!"
DM: "Who's going into the room??"
Pelican: "I'm not! Typan and Thane are!"
DM: "It's an image of him before..."
All: "OOOOOHHHHH!"
Thane: "He flashes!"
Bellch (Cats song): "Memories...under the moonlight...."
Thane: "Here's a magician..BOOM, he blast us all!"
DM (Blowing his nose): "PPRRRRRRRRONGGGKIIIIJJJSSSSHHHPHRRR!"
DM: "Everyone search for ten minutes and find [crap] all!"
Peladin: "Castration spell!"
All: "OOOHH!! MY GOD!!"
Peladin: "There! I told you the pies were cold!"
Thane: "I really sound like Arnold Schwarzennegger then did I??"
All: "Oh! No! errr...No!"
Peladin: "[DUMBHEAD]!"
Today 20/12/1990, Andrew M. said "[Dumbhead]" 5 times to various members of this respectable group.
All: "AGH! AGH!! AAAGH!!"
Thane (as four ogres appear): "Stuff the ogres!!"
DM: "No. 400., for [****] sake!"
Thane: "Who farted??"
Major mishap. Adrian V. throws a cushion at Matthew C.
Newsflash: Andrew M. said "[Dumbhead]" 7 times to various members of this respectable group. Now 8.
Thane: "Push the Chush!!"
Thane: "Arnold Schwarzennegger and Hulk Hogan in the same ring!!!"
DM: "I know everybody's THAC0 off by heart."
Peladin: "Arnold loves to push the chush."
Thane: "Arnold can push my chush!"
DM: "Undead ogre claws and bites you!"
Thane: "Damn! Why can't I bite him?? The next creature I see I'll bite it!!"
Andrew M. said "[Dumbhead]" to Richard C.
DM: You're in a corridor SO wide it is GAY!!!"
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23th of January 1991
Peladin: "It's a peanut."
Anakine: "It's a Californian walnut."
Anakine: "'Come in the room, Wilber!'"
Bellch (Matthew C.): "I'll Bozo the Clown you!"
Anakine: "Banshee on a rope."
Anakine: "Snaps to the face, mate!"
Anakine: "What, am I dead?? AAGGGHHHH!!"
Anakine: "I just got busted against the wall!"
Anakine: "What a wimp!"
Anakine: "I'll take the rear."
Someone else - perhaps Peladin: "You would!"
Typan (not paying attention mistakes Calimshan): "ARE WE GOING TO CUMQUART??!"
And from then on, he became the CUMQUART MAN.
All: "Ha! ha! ha! ha!...."
DM (Jason M.): "What ya for, what ya for!!"
Anakine: "I'm a stupid [bumhole], aren't I guys?!"
All: "Yep!"
Anakine: "It's beguiling. They're always smiling. And ready to extend a groping hand."
DM: "He's leading after screwing the belly dancer."
Anakine: "No! give me back my arm!"
Anakine: "Jason, what about Nell - a giant slug with [boobs]!"
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3rd of November 1991 (LAST SESSION OF OD&D)
DM (Matthew C.): "Daybreak..."
Peladin: "CRASH!"
DM: "Alright who did it?!"
Peladin (under his breath to Typan): "[Dumbhead]."
Bellch (refering to the arch in the mountains): "Is it a Steggles??"
Typan: "How are the Tortugan troops??"
DM: "They're dead!"
Bellch (worried about what will happen if we go through the arch): "We're strong enough to take on anything!"
Anakine (as Adrian V. arrives with crew cut): "LUNCH BOX MAN!!"
Anakine (refering to the boulder that hit Bellch): "The boulder cracks; IRON NIPPLE FOOD!"
Peladin: "[****] off!"
DM to Typan: "The boulder just misses you."
Typan: "Haircut."
Anakine: "Lunch box haircut."
DM: "Huge giants 100 feet high steps out!"
All: "Chippes!!"
DM: "Actually no head. I wanna finish you off!"
DM rolls 10d6.
Anakine: "OH MY GOD!!!"
Typan: "Missed!"
Anakine: "COWABUNJYJUMPING!!"
DM: "Anakine; 200xp"
Bellch: "He didn't do anything."
DM: "Ooh ye."
Anakine: "Derr!, who put the lights out??"
Major mishap, Andrew M. threw a dice at Steven W.
DM: "There are 4 petrified goblins."
Typan: "Sit down, talk to 'em."
Everyone has a slurping session. Huge slurping session, fart session, burping session, snoring session - TOTAL RIOT.
After DM skulled the glass of Coke..
All: "OOOOOHHHH AAHHHHA HHAHASS!!"
Thane: "Hello! We killed your green dragon...sorry."
Peladin (refering to his sword): "I could turn my thing into ropes you know..Schich!, Schinch!.."
Typan: "Why isn't my strength 18??"
Peladin: "Because you are a [DUMBHEAD]!"
Bellch: "Why is he a [dumbhead], Andrew??"
Silence; no response.
Typan: "We can always eat the sewrage."
Anakine: "I knew you wer full of [crap]!"
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ADVANCE DUNGEONS & DRAGONS (c.1993 - 1994)
7th of February 1993
Rowl: "These guys are slowly killing me bit by bit."
Durendal (also known as "Mule"): "These guys are giving me the [craps]!"
Thizzt: "...cause their eggs can't hatch."
Thizzt: "Bang, bang...everything's going at once."
Bellch: "Ghouls are gay. Gay ghoul."
DM (Steven W.): "Werewolves jump out from everywhere!!"
Rowl (sarcastically): "Werewolves!! Oh! scary, scary!"
DM: "There's 43."
All (very seriously): "Oh. That's scary."
Bellch: "Jail cells, you're cells are in jails, see!"
Bellch: "Guano...we can make gun powder out of it!"
DM: "....meat and blood cake on the table..."
All: "BLOOD CAKE?!!!"
DM: "Sorry, blood CAKED on the table."
Thizzt: "Ghoul to aisle 7; clean up!"
Mule: "I jump in and check out one of the bodies."
DM: "On the same one??"
Bellch & Mule (Synchronised in stereo): "NNNnnnn...nnnahhh!!"
Rowl: "Kassandra, is she powerful??"
Bellch: "What an understatement of the year!"
Thizzt (as he catches a fly with his hand): "Flies take off backwards."
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10th of April 1993
Bellch (refering to the Air Elemental he's fighting): "I wanna headbutt it!"
DM: "You just had to nick his eyebrow."
Mule (after the Air Elemental hits him): "EVIL TED!!"
Mule (as Air Elemental is about to hit again): "This could heerd!"
DM: "22 points of damage!"
Mule: "OOOOOWWW!!"
Rowl (to Jason M.): "I'm better at maths than you."
Bellch (refering to the Air Elemental): "It just goes down!"
DM: "Kelno's his buddy."
Rowl: "Have I killed one of those zu-zu things??"
DM: "Dead."
Bellch: "I'm not dead."
Bellch (singing Indiana Jones theme): "Bump bar bump bar bump bump bar..."
Bellch: "Me! Me!"
DM: "Zombie goes down."
DM: "Jason, you're hit..."
Bellch: "Parry"
DM: "They all miss."
Bellch: "P-A-R-R-Y"
Bellch: "Guess what? I just rolled two 20's!!"
Bellch (singing): "Blue Moon, I saw you standing alone."
All: "KELNO!!"
Bellch: "Its hit alright."
DM: "Who will roll?"
Bellch: "I'll roll."
Rowl: "No! I'll roll."
All (singing 'The Highwayman'): "I'm a highwayman, along the coastline I do ride. Sword and pistol by my side..."
All: "Ooooowww!"
DM: "...meat's rotten and foul."
Mule: "Not my meat!! Mine's fresh!"
Bellch: "Magua says this is a hatchet."
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14th of April 1993
Rowl (Inspiring fear): "I just go WRRRRRR!!"
Mule: "Your mum licks the balls of dire wolves."
Thizzt: "More! More! More! Born to be alive!"
Thizzt: "Keep your flies done up fellas!"
DM (Steven W.): "Oh no!, the magic one has appeared again."
Mule: "Oh, I want a piece of the [pie] thanks."
Rowl: "What do I get for a dire wolf?"
DM: "A spinning mawashi!"
DM: "Ooohh! you picked that door, eh?"
Thizzt: "Aha!"
Mule: "Aha!"
Thizzt: "Aha!"
Mule: "Aha!"
Thizzt: "It's not me!"
Mule: "That's a bit of a testicle muncher!"
DM: "It certainly is!"
DM: "Mighty Tigers: Gold and Black!!!"
All (except Matthew W.): "Boo! Boo!..."
Rowl: "Canary Yellow!"
Mule (trying to do Donald Duck): "Bequikkkkk...."
Mule (defination of a Passionate kiss): Failed joke No. 1.
DM: "You're attacked by two crazed Hobgoblin cooks!"
Thizzt: "THE COOK IS A GOD DAMNED SEAL??!!"
Mule: "I like to 69."
DM: "The door opens easily."
Thizzt: "What you don't know is it's a cannabalistic [cork]...it grows in size with each morsel!"
Mule: "I lock myself up in the closet and beat my meat."
Mule: "Cumquart - a quart of [c**]."
Rowl: "A quart and a half of [c**]..."
Mule: "...in every block!"
Thizzt (singing the Haynes ad): "...till we get our hands on you..."
(Ian T.): "Keoghtom's ointment...Cloak of Enjoyment!"
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20th of June 1993
Mule: "[Crap] happens."
Jade (Matthew C.): "What a Star!!!" (After rolling a 20, two 6's and two 4's and doing 40 points of damage on an Earth Elemental)
DM (Steven W.): "Jade has taken eight points of damage" (repeat x3)
Jade (3 minutes later): "Jade!? That's me!!"
DM: "Wake up people!"
Mule (as per Lethal Weapon 2): "'Who's the [dumbhead] now?!'"
Mule: "It's a disco!"
DM: "Into the pit!"
Historical note: Ian T. is called EGGNOG!
DM (talking about minotaur height): "Your about seven foot horizontal."
Mule: "When I'm happy!"
All (after Matthew C. rolls 1 for initiative): "Aaaaahhhhhh!!!"
Mule: "Hit me with your rhythm stick!"
Bellch: "The seven foot horizontal one?"
Jade: "Eggnog is the champion of secret passages!"
Jade: "It looks like it all over of Eggnog, unless he casts a fireball which will kill us all!" (stuck in corridor fighting Elementals and Daemons)
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27th of June 1993
Rowl: "...sensitive new age gargoyles..."
Thizzt: "You'd be dead!"
Mule: "Then he spat his balls out of his mouth."
DM (Steven W.): "The door is ajar."
Thizzt: "We have to twist open the top."
Mule: "How does it feel?"
Mule & Thizzt (Synchronised): "It feels GOOOOOOD!"
DM: "You've already pucked up the fut."
Thizzt: "It's obvious they don't want us in there so we go in!"
DM: "You see Kassandra with a 'K' and become seven foot horizontal and die..."
Bellch: "....of exertion!!"
Jade (Matthew C.): "What are you Matt??" (Matthew W.)
Mule: "Neutral."
Jade: "KFC it is."
Thizzt: "We'll stick with KFC, they have really off chips...."
Rowl: "Get rid of the chips and just have the salt..."
Thizzt (to Matthew W.): "Suck on this!" (giving bits of salt rocks)
And so in typical Matty W. he did it.
Mule (face screwing up): "Until when?!!"
Thizzt: "Until its finished."
3 minutes later...
Mule: "That salt was mighty tasty."
All (Indiana Jones theme): "Ba pa pah ba pa ba pah te te teh ne te te teh ne TE TEH TE NEE! Pam pah...De de deh nee, dee de deh nee.."
Mule: "I'd rather eat the whole jar of salt than those chips."
Matthew W. spitting chips after crushing a handful of mouldy, soft, squelching, belching chips.
Thizzt: "The average male farts 13 times a day."
Mule: "That's [bullcrap]! I fart heaps more!"
Thizzt: "Should power cars on ethane, and have tubes coming out of the seats."
Thizzt: "I can't get rid of the 'm'."
Rowl: "Can everyone shut up!"
Mule: "Is this the speech?"
Rowl: "Shut up!"
Bellch: "Do the voice."
DM (trying to act as Kassandra, master vampiress): "Come my pets..."
Mule: "Come, get it [c**]..hah, ha, ha...."
Bellch (imitating Rebecca in Aliens): "My name is Newt."
Adrian V. punches Jason M.
Jason M. blocks.
Thizzt: "No, I want to get that." (refering to the Stone Radio's metal badge on Jason)
Bellch: "No! That my armour class..."
Most frequently used statement: "The cook's a God damned seal!"
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1st of July 1993
Mule: "Yours fits where the lead goes!"
Thizzt: "At least mine doesn't go inwards!!"
Thizzt: "You're fired!"
Bellch (Matthew C.): "Pizza Haven's pizza is yuk!"
Headbutting contest between Adrian V. and Matthew W.
All (in separate conversations): "RhubarbRhubarbRhubarb...."
DM (Jason M.): "The mage attacks a grunt!"
DM: "Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah!"
Thizzt: "BOOOOM!!!"
Jade (Steven W.): "Someone say something good."
Thizzt chews his cup.
MASS ARGUMENT ON NPC/HENCHMEN (lasted about 2 hours)
Thizzt burps in cup. Then throws it in Matthew C.'s face.
Bellch: "Did you have meat pies for lunch?"
Thizzt (laughing): "Yes!"
Bellch: "You didn't have Co-Co Pops for breakfast?"
Thizzt (laughing even worse, including Jade): "Yes!!!"
Thizzt; Plastic cup problems (ie. eating the cup)
Mule joins Thizzt in eating his cup.
Thizzt: "So we've just spent seven days travelling and we haven't met anything and we could've travelled by carpet and got there...oh, don't worry I'm just being gay."
DM: "I think you better see the head priest."
Jade: "Uh Oh!, backs to the wall!"
Thizzt: "Shouldn't it be fronts to the wall?"
DM: "Nah, shouldn't it be mouths to the wall."
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12th of July 1993
Jade: Failed Joke No. 1; "Listen...can you smell it!"
Jade: Failed Joke No. 2; "Listen...can you see it!"
Jade: Failed Joke No. 3; "Look...can you hear it!"
DM (Jason M.): "Guess what??"
Jade: Failed Joke No. 4; "You're fat and I'm not!"
Thizzt: Severe plastic cup problems (Cup IN mouth).
DM: "She's rooted to the spot..."
Mule: "Da! Hee! Da! Hee! Super Tex...Steffi!"
DM (during ghost battle with Thizzt and Rowl): "You have been *SHRIEEK!!* ATTACKED!!"
Thizzt and All: "OOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAA!!!"
Jade: (reversal of everyone): "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOO!!"
Jade and Thizzt suspect slap count;
* Jade; 3: Julia (Thief, prostitute, etc) and 2 in brothel during door to door search.
* Thizzt; 1 from Elenthias (Elf on Ship) and missed flying vase.
Thizzt: "Pink Lady with no clothes on??"
DM: "You see a head."
Thizzt: "Head job??"
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16th of August 1993
DM (Jason M.): "Shut up!! Shut up!!"
Bellch (Matthew C.): "Shut up!!"
Rowl: "Cheeseburger."
DM: "You arrive at the Market Square."
Taragin: "Trapezium Market!"
DM (refering to obliterated thugs in the park): "You see molecules floating in the air."
Rowl: "I've got more hit points than an elephant."
Taragin: "You've got the brains of one (elephant) too!"
Jade (Steven W.): "Elephants never forget!"
Taragin: "So far he's never forgotten his name..."
Rowl: "Henry??"
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26th of September 1993
DM (to Jade): "Why does Kelendra stay??"
Mule: "She saw the 'Tower of Power' one night and stayed!" (referring to himself!)
Jade (Steven W.): "We'll just shoot down a few Huns before breakfast!" (rebuttal to Govenor's request to 'Kill some Mockers before function.)
DM (Jason M.): "Drive by fireball."
Bellch (Matthew C.): "Mmmmmm...Pizza." (repeat x4)
Mule: "I'm McChoka's."
Taragin: "Matt (Matthew C.)! Come back from Pizza World to the real world!"
Mule and Taragin (together): "Mmmmmmmmmmm...Pizza World!"
DM: "My, what a big finger you have!"
Rowl: "To insert BERSERKER RAGE!!!"
At 2am when everyone is dropping off...
DM: "The door opens and you face 10 PIT FIENDS!!"
Bellch (half asleep): "Wha's that??"
Jade: "Oh, they're worth about 150,000xp each and our entire party probably wouldn't even give one of them a stomach upset...."
Bellch (really serious and wide awake): "WHAT!!!"
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24th of January 1994
DM (Jason M.) (referring to the Emperor's niece): "Her name is spelt M-A-D-E-L-O-N!!"
Jade: "Hey!, backwards; NOLEDAM!!"
All: "Look you can make MAD, MADE...."
DM: "MELON."
Jade: "I'm looking for Kelendra"
DM: "She's with you."
DM: "Paging Kelendra with a 'K'!!"
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30th of January 1994
Jade (Steven W.): "Why did I draw two headings???!!"
Jade: "You can't drink any Coke."
Mule: "You can have a Lift"
DM (Jason M.): "To where?"
Jade (referring to the statue of Zestra): "Push the breasts. No!, look at the base."
DM: Draws statue with base and small plaque on base.
Taragin: "And it says; 'Do not touch the breasts'."
Mule: "We get a rust monster versus animated armour."
Joke about Mule stripping naked and trying to capture a rust monster.
DM: "You see a naked paladin wrestling..."
Taragin: "What seems to be your boggle??"
Rowl (locked behind a trapped door with a Scaladar): "A scorpion the size of my home town!!"
Newsflash; The big Paladin goes down!!
DM: "Why does Bella put the head back on the statue?"
Mule: "Because she was [crap] bored!"
Rowl: "Because it's evil!...what's happening anyway??"
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2nd of July 1994
Galain (Andrew M.): "Lord SALIVA!!"
Bellch (Matthew C.): "OK, I cast dispel rock..."
DM (Jason M.): "You want to find Beth."
Thizzt: "I've already found her, she was a retard remember?"
DM: "Evil is afoot!"
Bellch: "Evil is a foot. Good is a hand!"
Mule: "No! Good is a head isn't it??"
DM: "You see a priest of Chemosh (God of Undeath)."
Thizzt: "SHEEMI??"
DM: "The priest tries to turn the paladin."
Bellch (speaking for Talia): "I cast fireball."
DM: "She can't because she's a conjurer."
Bellch: "Talia has no good spells!!"
All: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH IIIIII....I WAS BORN UNDER A WANDERING STAR!!"
Rowl: "You used to burp and blow it at me!"
Thizzt (mocking shrill laughter): "HA! HA! HA! HA!"
Mule (to Thizzt): "You can have the last one, [Const]...able!"
Galain: "You shouldn't watch 'Predator', Richard. It's AO."
Thizzt: "There isn't AO anymore, its M. Mmmmmmmm...."
All (as per Crash Test Dummies): "MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...."
After 3 minutes talking about the meaning of the lyrics...
Galain: "But anyway, you shouldn't watch that movie, Richard."
10 minutes of reminiscing down memory lane about Year 8 (1988) and then
Testicle stories...
Galain: (about some guy wanking around machinery)
Thizzt: (Volley ball story...loss of testicle)
Galain: (BMX incident and resulting loss of testicle)
Thizzt: (Supported BMX story. Testicle story in stomach of friend)
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25th of September 1993
Mule: "Done that! Did that! Doin' it tomorrow!" (in relation to slaying evil hoards)
DM (Jason M.) (impersonating Elvis): "Uh! huh huh!"
DM: "...and he goes...ting!"
DM: "Not now, I'm having fun!"
Bellch (Matthew C.): "Galain?"
Mule: "Slar!"
Jade: "Slar Morry."
Thizzt: "What about my adventure?"
DM: "No Turdgies!"
Jade (Steven W.): Failed Joke No. 1.
Bellch: "Look! (pause) CHIP! (revelation)"
Thizzt almost chokes.
DM knocks over ALL the dice.
All: "AAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWIIII...I WAS BORN UNDER A WANDERING STAR!!!!"
Thizzt (refering to axe welding skeleton minature): "...it should be longer, not just the head!"
Mule goes red in face with hysterical laughter.
Bellch: "What is Chicken Liquid??"
DM: "Chicken Liquid is CHICKEN ESSENCE!!"
DM: (Acting as Tyris who changes to a Bronze Dragon): "Do you want to ride me into battle?"
All: LAUGHTER!!
DM: "LET'S ROCK!!" (as per Aliens)
Note: Rakshasa Rajah kills Kelendra!!!
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NEW ADVANCE DUNGEONS & DRAGONS (c.1994 - 1995)
20th of November 1994
DM (Steven W.): "My God! The setup takes a long time!!"
Alain (Adrian V.): "SEX EVERDA...AARGH!!...NO WAY!, I'm a KNIGHT!. I shan't lower my standards!"
(Matthew W.): "You know I love you..."
(Glen B.): "[****] Off!! No!"
Glom (Andrew M.): "I've got a fake beard on!...even though halflings don't have beards."
Glom (to Matthew C.): "What are ya?!!"
(Matthew C.): "You'll find out!"
Glom: "He's got that ball crusher pants there."
DM: "He heard it from himself."
(Andrew M. and Jason M.): "BULL[CRAP]!!" (to the comment by the DM that their characters know each other a long time.)
Glom: "What is he a Barcard??"
Alain: "WHAT?! A BARCARDI??!"
(Matthew C.): "What do you think of the name 'Frut'?"
Alain: "Frut the Fremlin!"
(Matthew W.): "Salami Knight."
Glom: "Is he a farmer??"
(Glen B.): "Don't know anything about hairyfoot there?"
(Matthew W.): "Wet dream...get his armour wet!"
DM: "..galley with many oars."
(Matthew W.): "Many whores??!"
DM: "There are six people in the room trying to tie up the Solamnic Knight."
Blah! Blah! Blah! can't keep up. (The recorder cannot keep up with the talking.)
Glom: "Its a slave auction."
(Matt W.): "Year 12 slave auction!"
(Matt W.): "I see the elf is a work of art."
(Mrs. W.): "The cook's home!"
(Matt W.): "She also cooks!"
(Matt W.): "I lick up the vomit - don't waste any weevils!"
(Mr. W.): "With all you driving I had to park 2 suburbs away!"
DM: "You are taken aboard including the VILLAGE PEOPLE!"
(Matt W. and Glen B.): "VILLAGE PEOPLE!!"
DM: "The halfling jumps overboard and lands on a debris...."
(Matt W.): "...and invents surfing!!"
(Toby M.): "Arms and Equipment! not Shields!"
(Stuart C.): "Huh?"
(Toby M.): "ARMS! (as in human arms)"
Glom: "We all can introduce ourselves..."
(Stuart C.): "Hi, I'm drowning."
Alain (to Frut): "Are you alright??"
Alain (responding to his own question in a very very very high pitched voice): "Yes I am!"
In the background whilst Alain is fighting the shark, Matthew W., Andrew M., Stuart C. and Toby M. were talking about cutting the Fremlin's nuts off...How long to find a female Fremlin.
Glom (referring to Kiiri): "It's a shape changer!! I propose that she's a shape changer and we BANG IT!!..."
Glom: Failed Joke No. 1.
Alain (chanting): "Right in the head! Right in the head! Right in the head!..."
Alain: "Nah! Morale check."
Matthew W. slap count 1 from Vel
Vel (Jason M.): "I take the box."
Glom: "If you got a box, we'll play cricket!"
(Glen B.): "She's already got a box!!!"
Vel: "We pull out the meat out of the crab's claw."
(Matt W.): "So you offer to pull out my meat, eh?"
Matt W's character; slap count from Vel second time.
(Matt W.): "Look at it, it's really straight. You can put a brick wall on it."
(Matt W.): "Head hunters can compare bones with me."
Glom: "I'm the Arab killer!"
(Glen B.): "I don't have to roll to stab him Huh!" (Supectly..very suspectly)
(Glen B.): "A dagger is like a knife, so I'm specialised in it."
Glom: "So am I!"
Glom (challenging Glen B.): "C'mon! Let's have a swordfight!!"
(Toby M.): "By the way, did I say I know a great Fremlin recipie?"
(Matt W.): "...some head hunter females hunting some heads..."
Frut (after party ransacks village): "I have NOTHING from this village! NOTHING!!"
(Matt W. and Jason M.) (singing as per Whitney Houston): "...NOTHING, NOTHING...IF I DON'T HAVE YOU, YOUUUUUUUUU....."
(Stuart C.): "Wolves sing better!"
(Matt W.): I see the elf carries a rubber with her!"
Vel: SLAP!! (Matt W.'s character slap count at 3)
Vel sings to the hydra, but it doesn't effect it.
(Matt W.): "I get turned on!"
Vel: SLAP!!!! No. 4 for (Matt W.)
Alain: "Umm..negative...zero."
Glom: "Negative zero...as opposed to positive zero."
(Toby M.): "Salty!"
(Toby M.): "That way's my pickup line!"
Glom: "What?!! 'The ugly [s***]!'; is that your pickup line?!!"
Alain (to Jason M.): "When did you play your character cautious...Bellophron was one of the boys..now you're..."
(Matt W.): "....a [S***]!!"
Vel: SLAP!!! No. 5
(Glen B.) (to Vel): "You can swallow it and not in the mouth!!"
Vel: SLAP!!! No. 1 to Glen B.'s character.
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26th of September 1994
(Glen B.): "I follow behind the elf 'cos she's got....a nice butt!"
Vel: SLAP!!!! No. 2 for Glen's character.
Giant frogs attacks Vel.
Vel: "Eat my shorts!!"
DM (Steven W.): "They eat your shorts, but missed you though!"
(Matt W.): "Hey! They ate her shorts!. I loose all heart for the battle!"
(Toby M.): "We stop and stare at her!"
DM: "She's not wearing any underwear!!!"
Jason M. not too impressed!
(Glen B.): "AARGH!! A female (Kiiri) is going down!!" (Kiiri being hit repeatedly by monsters.)
SLAP!! Glen's character No. 1 from Kiiri.
(Matt W.) (referring to Richard C.): "He's got X-Wing written on his hand!"
Alain: "Yeah, they write Darth Vader on their hand and have hand fights! Vroom! Vroom! Bang! Bang! Crash!"
Vel: "Anyone got a shortsword??"
(Glen B.): "Yeah, I've got one."
Vel: "Can I have it?"
(Glen B.): "Yeah! Show us your butt!!!"
HUGE SLAP!!!! for Glen's character by Vel; counts as 2 slaps!
Vel (to Kiiri): "Do a fighting withdrawal!..."
(Matt W.): "FIGHTING WITHDRAWAL!!!"
Kiiri to (Matt W.); SLAP!! No. 1
(Matt W.): "Industrial container job."
(Glen B.): "They are elves female!"
Vel: "I'll protect them, NO WAY your touching them!!"
(Glen B. and Toby M.) (Synchronised in Stereo): "WE'LL TOUCH YOU INSTEAD!!!"
Since Vel doesn't want to touch Toby's character (priest of Death), Glen's character gets double slap! SLAP! SLAP!!!; Glen is counted now at 4.
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30th of November 1994
Glom: (Stupid joke about the trail up ahead)
All: "Oh my god!!/you idiot/ derr! failed joke...etc"
Glom and (Toby M.) (referring to Frut): "He's nothing but a chicken; a large canary!"
(Matt W.): Brings out a pot of roast (stew) chicken in lieu of Andrew and Toby's comments.
Frut: Knocks over glass while stretching.
All: "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIII....I WAS BORN UNDER A WANDERING STAR!!"
Glom: "We'll do it in order, everyone's names who fall between the dates of..."
Alain: "You IDIOT!"
Frut: "...but there is somebody I'd like to stab!" (looking at Glom)
Glom: "AHA!! That's as good as doing it!!"
Open hostilities in the Fremlin-Halfing War.
Alain: "That's sedition!!"
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"Ruins of Adventure" ADVANCE DUNGEONS & DRAGONS (c.1995 - ??)
13th of September 1995
Stopped by Clerics of Bane...
Dug (Aaron): "By the will of Kane, Bane's close cousin, we are here!"
Yelgira (Glen B.): "I do an Elvis impersonation because I can!"
Dug: "I hope we win."
DM (Jason M.) (acting as a town guard): "There's always room for Jello."
Yelgira: "I get it!! The doors ARE the thieves!!"
Melvin (Matt W.): (imitates thief doing door imitation)
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27th of September 1995
Yelgira: (backstabs a thief for 50 points of damage!!!) Resulting, DM rules that thief EXPLODES and is "SLAUGHTERED" and Dug, standing in front of thief is covered in blood.
Dug: "What the hell??!!!"
Glen takes out the calculator.
Yelgira: "I killed him 8.33333 times over!!"
Melvin: "Use magic missile, it never misses!"
Miss Tress (Toby M.): "Yeh!, but neither do my swings!!"
All: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
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Retro Famous Last Words: 14th of May 1994
Note: I discovered this wayward recording of a 1994 session in another excersise book that has been hiding from discovery in Steven W.'s room until now!!
DM (Jason M): "He lies in an unnatural position..."
Galain: "I throw a tantrum +3!!"
Mule: "I stick my holy symbol where it fits."
Bellch (Matthew C.): "Five plus four plus six....."
Galain: "Fifteen!"
Rowl: "Yeah, we all know Morry has a calculator under the table."
Jade: "Those who like to hit golems...please hit him!"
Mule: "Oh...my hairy wombat!"
Galain: "Stop rubbing your crotch, Matt!" (Matthew W.)
DM: "TWENTY!! I get to keep the one buck!"
DM: (After finishing long speech...)
Bellch: "WHAT?!"
(Meanwhile in the background, the music of "Singing in the rain" can be heard.)
DM: "The rust monsters feed on copper pieces..."
Galain: "There goes the chicken farm we always dreamed of!"
Galain: "I chat the handmaiden up." (Handmaiden of the Emperor's niece)
DM: "You get slapped."
Galain (protesting): "My charisma is 10!!!"
Galain: (Keeps trying to get the windows in the tower nailed shut, says to the handmaiden): "Can I nail the Princess's windows shut. Can I shut her flaps, it is easy to penetrate her defences!"
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15th of December 1995
Melvin: "I hit 'em with Housebrick and the mace that doesn't rust"
DM (Jason M.): "Your audience (2 held orc clerics) doesn't survive your demonstration"
DM: "The mage has a dark cloak with blood."
Yelgira (to Miss Tress): "You wash it and make a quilt."
Miss Tress: "No I don't, I only have white cotton."
Yelgira: "Rigamortis makes me hard!"
Miss Tress (to Yelgira): "I reckon you should kill the DM."
Yelgira: "I kill the DM (rolls the dice and rolls a 4)...Hmmmmmm.....I kill 4 DMs!!!" *Grin*
Yelgira: "I too grew up as a street kid....in the forest. Well...as a wombat trail kid..."
Melvin: "Our horses are trained killers!"
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Well, there you go. What do you think?? Are you amused, offended or indifferent? Either case, I would like you to make your opinions known. Should I continue with this link, modify it in anyway or scrap it all together?. I am open to all comments and suggestions. Please help me make this link easy on the eye! Thanks!.
